Strange Restaurants & Kids' Comments

OK first, sorry for not posting for a while, for all 3 of you that read this (LOL). I guess if I was even a AAA-league blogger, we'd have at least a few thow (I made that spelling up - you know what I mean) reading this. Of course, it'd have to be very regular, and very interesting. So yeah, I have a ways to go. Bethatasitmay, to today's topics...

Strange Restaurants. OK I recently had the chance to be in an ethnically diverse neighborhood, and at this particular strip mall there were some interesting restaurant names, obviously from first generation Americans. Their work ethic is unparalleled, their belief in the American dream inspiring, their sense of marketing and brand-development, absent to the point of hilarious! Let me give you a few examples. This first one is particularly choice, clearly ethnically diverse. So much so, that I figure the proprietors are a Chinese husband and a Hispanic wife. He greets, seats, and serves; she's in back whipping up the specials. The name of the restaurant? Ready for this? Carnitas de Mandarin. I can hear it now. "I'll take the mongolian beef tacos please, fried rice, refried beans, and give me one of those dimsum enchiladas with the hot oil dipping sauce. And for desert? Monkey chimichangas! Oh yeah!" I couldn't even bring myself to walk up and read the menu on the window. I was liable to walk off laughing, and I didn't want to be disrespectful. If I had my own restaurant, I could laugh, but since I don't, I can't, at least not out in front of their gig. I can in front of my keyboard, and that's exactly what I am doing now. Ok, this second one is a bit more muted, still quite funny, but screams an obvious ESL (English as a Second Language) disposition. Ready? Imagine, in a big red colorful lettering, above the front doors to a (sadly) empty restaurant, the words Wonderful Chinese Restaurant. Can you imagine calling 411, and asking for a listing for Wonderful Chinese Restaurant. I can hear the operator coming online, saying, "I'm sorry sir, but we're not permitted or equipped to provide restaurant reviews. There are many restaurants in your area. Can I get a name for the listing you seek?" The other part about this that strikes me as funny is the shameless attempt to convince people that this place is really good, using the name of the place to convince you and seal the deal. "Yeah, I came here because your name says you are wonderful, and wow, that was too compelling to resist. By chance, can I get some mongolian beef tacos to go? Oh wait, that's the place down the street. Sorry." This just cracks me up. You probably just think I am nuts. Onto topic #2.

Kids' Comments. Somehow or another my wife and I got on the topic of kids and their comments. I learned that her daughter (my step-daughter) at an early age, was taught that nobody touches her private parts. All responsible parents teach their kids this. So years ago, when my wife's daughter is all of three years old, and they're in line at the grocery store, my wife is in front of the cart, and her daughter is sitting in it facing the middle-aged man behind her in line. And what does she declare to this complete stranger in a loud, assertive voice, with all the authority a three year old can muster? "NOBODY touches my private parts!" My wife was concurrently mortified and dying laughing right there at checkstand seven. So after that story, I shared my own. She learned about my little brother, probably four at the time, somewhere on isle 12 at the local grocery, Mom pushing the cart. I was busy scanning the isle for things I wanted, grabbing them, and trying to convince my mom to get them. So it was a constant, "No Mark." coming from Mom. Something about my little bro though, he had this weird thing about midgets, but he couldn't pronounce the word. He'd call them midritches. However, at four, he couldn't and wouldn't distinguish between a midget and a dwarf; they were both the same - oddly short people. And they were all proclaimed midritches. So in either case, when there was a "sighting", the same reaction would occur. You probably figured it out already. Behind and approaching Mom, strolling down isle 12, is a dwarf. My bro leans to look past Mom, and sees him. "MOM!" he cries out, trying to get her attention. (I can tell, he's about to pop.) He leans past her and looks again, to be sure. Yep. Then, as usual, he takes a deep breath and starts a pointing, screaming tirade to the world: "MIDRITCH! MOM! A MIDRITCH!! MOM!! MOM!!!" She tries to hush him, starts pushing faster. He screams louder, thinking she does not see what he sees. She hushes him louder, finally covers his mouth as she quickly pushes the cart around the corner. You can still hear his screams under the muffle of her hand. I am almost peeing my pants laughing, following behind, trying not to look at the dwarf who's obvious physical characteristics are being maligned by a fearful four year old. The thought of it still makes me laugh. This is so not-P.C., but I can't help it.

Life is short. My advise is, laugh a lot, and pursue your purpose in life. Oh, and feel free to publish the link to this blog. Or at least leave me a note if you like (or hate) what you read.
Thanks for playing! :^/

Dogs and Crap

You know what, dogs are great. They possess unbelievably unconditional love and profound loyalty. But they have the oddest, most inexplicable, most stop-it-I'm-gonna-puke reprehensive behavior at times. Take this past Saturday morning for example. I went for a bike ride, and upon coming back into the house, through the garage, I was greeted by my dog. She was excited to see me, and very affectionate. She was licking my hand and my arm, and right after that, I used my hand to push my hair out of my eyes. In an instant, I detected the unmistakeable odor of cat crap. Cat crap. On me. On my arm. From my dog's tongue. I called out to my wife, "Has Lacey (our dog) been outside eating the cat crap, AGAIN?!?" I resisted the urge to puke, ran upstairs, and showered vigorously. Upon finishing my shower, the wife asked me to please shower the dog, as she has tried and cannot get the smell of crap off of her facial hair. (This is all just so completely wrong I can barely even write about it.) So I grabbed the dog, ticked off and grossed out as I was, and just hosed her down in there, did the very best possible to de-feces her.

What kind of dog will not eat her own hi-dollar dog food, but will run outside and dig up and eat fresh cat crap? Honestly? Makes me think I need to reevaluate the quality of this dog food, if she'd pick crap over this. It's just not right, I say. It's bad enough that she'll lick her own butthole, but to eat the output of said orifice, that's incomprehensible. What possible smell could exist in cat crap that triggers something in her (questionably functional) dog-brain, that says, this crap, Lacey, is somethin' you wanna eat, fast, before anyone sees you. It's too good to pass up!

I mean, this isn't the first time. The first time (heck, as far as I know anyway), I was out back with her (she's still a pup, mind you) while she was (supposed to be) doing her business. I turn my head for a minute, then I look back down at her, and I see her trying to wolf something down. Instinctively, since I know there isn't any food out here, I grab the back of her head to hold it still, while I commence fishing out said object with the other hand. Much to my surprise, and after a considerable struggle, I dig the object out, it falls to the ground, and it takes me a disturbing second to realize what it is I have just fought to get out of my dog's mouth, and what is all over my fingers. Cat crap. You can probably at this point imagine the degree of my disgust. My face contorted severely, I jumped up and down while spinning around, all the while crying out in complete disgust. I wanted to chop my hand off and throw it away - for a brief second.

Then, after I was able to gather myself, I ran to the hose and hosed off my hand, and ran the dog into the house (lest she go back after the crap), then went inside to go wash up. She immediately was headed for my wife, to give her a good licking, and I warned my wife just as Lacey was getting in lick-range. We both shared a moment of nausea and disgust at something so vile. Our dog peered up at us happily. In that moment, she brought a whole new meaning to the phrase, "dog breath".

I've pondered it. I can barely figure it out. The only flimsy theory I have is that: a) dogs will eat anything that smells like there might be or might have been food in it, and therefore b) any cat crap with just one piece of unchewed or undigested cat food in it qualifies it under letter a above, because a dog can smell it in the midst of all that crap.

And come to think of it, some people aren't any smarter than my dog Lacey. They hear a bunch of crap, but because one little piece of information in all that crap has the scent of truth in it, they will go ahead and eat all that crap, swallowing absolute manure, spewn forth, not from the buttholes, but from the mouths of fools. Conclusion: people that eat crap are not any smarter than my dog.

:^/

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