Dogs and Crap

You know what, dogs are great. They possess unbelievably unconditional love and profound loyalty. But they have the oddest, most inexplicable, most stop-it-I'm-gonna-puke reprehensive behavior at times. Take this past Saturday morning for example. I went for a bike ride, and upon coming back into the house, through the garage, I was greeted by my dog. She was excited to see me, and very affectionate. She was licking my hand and my arm, and right after that, I used my hand to push my hair out of my eyes. In an instant, I detected the unmistakeable odor of cat crap. Cat crap. On me. On my arm. From my dog's tongue. I called out to my wife, "Has Lacey (our dog) been outside eating the cat crap, AGAIN?!?" I resisted the urge to puke, ran upstairs, and showered vigorously. Upon finishing my shower, the wife asked me to please shower the dog, as she has tried and cannot get the smell of crap off of her facial hair. (This is all just so completely wrong I can barely even write about it.) So I grabbed the dog, ticked off and grossed out as I was, and just hosed her down in there, did the very best possible to de-feces her.

What kind of dog will not eat her own hi-dollar dog food, but will run outside and dig up and eat fresh cat crap? Honestly? Makes me think I need to reevaluate the quality of this dog food, if she'd pick crap over this. It's just not right, I say. It's bad enough that she'll lick her own butthole, but to eat the output of said orifice, that's incomprehensible. What possible smell could exist in cat crap that triggers something in her (questionably functional) dog-brain, that says, this crap, Lacey, is somethin' you wanna eat, fast, before anyone sees you. It's too good to pass up!

I mean, this isn't the first time. The first time (heck, as far as I know anyway), I was out back with her (she's still a pup, mind you) while she was (supposed to be) doing her business. I turn my head for a minute, then I look back down at her, and I see her trying to wolf something down. Instinctively, since I know there isn't any food out here, I grab the back of her head to hold it still, while I commence fishing out said object with the other hand. Much to my surprise, and after a considerable struggle, I dig the object out, it falls to the ground, and it takes me a disturbing second to realize what it is I have just fought to get out of my dog's mouth, and what is all over my fingers. Cat crap. You can probably at this point imagine the degree of my disgust. My face contorted severely, I jumped up and down while spinning around, all the while crying out in complete disgust. I wanted to chop my hand off and throw it away - for a brief second.

Then, after I was able to gather myself, I ran to the hose and hosed off my hand, and ran the dog into the house (lest she go back after the crap), then went inside to go wash up. She immediately was headed for my wife, to give her a good licking, and I warned my wife just as Lacey was getting in lick-range. We both shared a moment of nausea and disgust at something so vile. Our dog peered up at us happily. In that moment, she brought a whole new meaning to the phrase, "dog breath".

I've pondered it. I can barely figure it out. The only flimsy theory I have is that: a) dogs will eat anything that smells like there might be or might have been food in it, and therefore b) any cat crap with just one piece of unchewed or undigested cat food in it qualifies it under letter a above, because a dog can smell it in the midst of all that crap.

And come to think of it, some people aren't any smarter than my dog Lacey. They hear a bunch of crap, but because one little piece of information in all that crap has the scent of truth in it, they will go ahead and eat all that crap, swallowing absolute manure, spewn forth, not from the buttholes, but from the mouths of fools. Conclusion: people that eat crap are not any smarter than my dog.

:^/

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